Talbot (タルボット) and Weller (ウェラー) are minor characters in the 2007 video game No More Heroes. They are two members of the United Assassins Association staff who accompany Silvia Christel wherever a ranking match takes place, in order to dispose of the losing combatant's body, usually by incineration. A running gag throughout the game is Talbot's face being obscured from the player's view.

Each being one extreme of the other, Talbot is a silent, lurch of a man while Weller appears to be fairly short. While Weller keeps generally silent during his appearances, he can be heard speaking a number of times throughout the game, primarily by the messages he leaves on Travis Touchdown's answering machine, informing him of his registration for his newly acquired ranking. However at one point, when Travis defeats Bad Girl in the Destroy Stadium basement Talbot and Weller appear, mysteriously without Silvia, and Weller publicly speaks, congratulating Travis for his victory, as Silvia hasn't accompanied them to do so herself.

Talbot does not speak, while Weller is voiced by Dee Bradley Baker.

There is one trading card featuring Talbot and Weller in the Design Materials set, Talbot & Weller.